What good is a thought or realization that does not spur one to action? None (that's right). Personal growth occurs without thought and without effort on a daily basis, but in this manner it is very slow. The epiphany that causes action, however, can cause the most dramatic changes in a person. This is where I am at. I currently reside in the transition from epiphany to action. Here lies reflection. I have reflected upon myself: where I have been, what I have done, why I have done it, what was good, what was bad, and where and how do I want to be (what should my future hold). Is it painful... no, but should the lessons there be forgotten it could be.
I want to be happy. I want to chase it like the bubbles I blew when I was a child. It has been so long since I have meditated on being happy, but have devoted my choices to the things people thought were best for me. Now, at nearly thirty, I have decided to merely take the suggestions and weigh them against the idea of happiness. I went to a college not of my choice, and because that is what people do-I was miserable; I joined the miliatary because I saw how happy it would make those around me-I was miserable; I took the first job I could get- I was a bit happier because I enjoyed spending time with the people I worked with (friends) and we didn't worry about life, but rather being happy; I took another job for more money- I was miserable; I took another job for more money and to be closer to home- some of the misery lifted, but still I was mostly unfulfilled; And now I am here- happier than I have been in the longest time, and I can only see it getting better.
For this happiness, I owe a single person: Kelly. Thank you, thank you, merci, thank you, Kelly!
She has helped me to understand a process, a basic idea, and now I believe that I actually believe that I deserve something better. Working for a goal has never been a problem, it has been the goal (or lack thereof). I have felt more true emotion in the past two weeks... I am truly amazed! Joy, contentment, anger, frustration, sadness, love, jealousy... all those wonderful little intangibles that make life worth living. Thank you, Kelly.
So, I have been invited to move to the O's, a place where I can see myself being happy, surrounding myself with people who's company I enjoy- who make me happy and help me to think of the things I want. I know that the task is difficult in the current climate of the world, but I am astounded at even my own blindness to the difficulty of the task. True, there may be a wall, but I don't see it. Which leaves two outcomes, either I collide with the wall only to realize its existence, or crash through it, only to look back at what I have done... I am confident in my ability to overcome- I find myself to be a tremendous and honest judge of my capabilites, and this I can do.
Kelly, I will not surrender to life as before and succomb to its bitterness, but seize it with a firm grip and smile, for this is how happiness is attained and maintained, and I have you to thank.
30 April 2009
29 April 2009
The O's pt 2 (a dying breed)
What secret so bold could cause a thing no more-
a smile adored, or a breeze against a door left
slightly ajar in spring to breathe in the cherry-
blossom sea dotted with tulips?
Believe it or not, but constantly and without hesitation, as each moment passes- as we grow- so too do we die some. The idea of opposing forces, light and dark, yin and yang, do not merely oppose, and do not require a struggle, but are also meant as compliments to each other... like orange and blue, oddly correct when put together. It also goes to say that you cannot have one without the other, or better, that one cannot truly be appreciated without the other- the product is scope and magnitude.
Saturday, I drove Kelly to work, and returned to the house. I cleaned, at a bit of food, watched a movie (not having seen Quantum of Solace, it was a must)- I tried anything to pass the time, but slowly it passed, and certainly not because of my willing it forward. It was a beautiful day, so I laid out to pass some more time and soak up some vitamin D- funny how such days seem less enjoyable when it isn't being shared.
I picked Kelly up and, to be perfectly honest, I cannot remember what we did. I can remember, with vivid detail, the events of my solitude but, for our time together, the images are bits and pieces, but the feelings, rampant and enduring even to this day, are what I remember. I do remember how beautiful she was, and how even she was having difficulty in deciding a path- I suggested the cause of such deliberation can be attributed to Saturn return (or so I've heard). I remember that we grew some- and certainly I have further to go- and we talked. When we talk, we skirt the issue while attacking it directly, because, I think, we both want to know so many things at once, that the only way to understand or to evolve a question is through vagueness and metaphor- we do this well together, so much so that I sometimes deem words to be unnecessary, nods of the head, smiles, and glances may be all we need.
A dying breed is dying long before notice is taken, and perhaps, if that breed is lucky, it will find help in transitioning to the next life. As a clock unwinds and the hands slow, the spring loosens and the tension melts until it stops and ceases to be dependant on the time it kept (I wish I knew what this last part was, or how it ends)
Her decisions are difficult and I do not envy the choice she must make, but I am grateful for the days we spend entwined (physically and emotionally). I felt my chest hurt this weekend, and now too, as I think about the distance that I'm trying to solve. I have also discovered that having goals can rouse my anger when confronted with a barrier, it has also awakened my determination- a trait I am fond of and have missed for sometime- I hope it serves me well, for I know that these are volitile traits that can turn against a man and be his undoing. I have help, and she may be my grace.
a smile adored, or a breeze against a door left
slightly ajar in spring to breathe in the cherry-
blossom sea dotted with tulips?
Believe it or not, but constantly and without hesitation, as each moment passes- as we grow- so too do we die some. The idea of opposing forces, light and dark, yin and yang, do not merely oppose, and do not require a struggle, but are also meant as compliments to each other... like orange and blue, oddly correct when put together. It also goes to say that you cannot have one without the other, or better, that one cannot truly be appreciated without the other- the product is scope and magnitude.
Saturday, I drove Kelly to work, and returned to the house. I cleaned, at a bit of food, watched a movie (not having seen Quantum of Solace, it was a must)- I tried anything to pass the time, but slowly it passed, and certainly not because of my willing it forward. It was a beautiful day, so I laid out to pass some more time and soak up some vitamin D- funny how such days seem less enjoyable when it isn't being shared.
I picked Kelly up and, to be perfectly honest, I cannot remember what we did. I can remember, with vivid detail, the events of my solitude but, for our time together, the images are bits and pieces, but the feelings, rampant and enduring even to this day, are what I remember. I do remember how beautiful she was, and how even she was having difficulty in deciding a path- I suggested the cause of such deliberation can be attributed to Saturn return (or so I've heard). I remember that we grew some- and certainly I have further to go- and we talked. When we talk, we skirt the issue while attacking it directly, because, I think, we both want to know so many things at once, that the only way to understand or to evolve a question is through vagueness and metaphor- we do this well together, so much so that I sometimes deem words to be unnecessary, nods of the head, smiles, and glances may be all we need.
A dying breed is dying long before notice is taken, and perhaps, if that breed is lucky, it will find help in transitioning to the next life. As a clock unwinds and the hands slow, the spring loosens and the tension melts until it stops and ceases to be dependant on the time it kept (I wish I knew what this last part was, or how it ends)
Her decisions are difficult and I do not envy the choice she must make, but I am grateful for the days we spend entwined (physically and emotionally). I felt my chest hurt this weekend, and now too, as I think about the distance that I'm trying to solve. I have also discovered that having goals can rouse my anger when confronted with a barrier, it has also awakened my determination- a trait I am fond of and have missed for sometime- I hope it serves me well, for I know that these are volitile traits that can turn against a man and be his undoing. I have help, and she may be my grace.
28 April 2009
The O's pt 1 (the foreword)
It is amazing how 3 hours can make a place feel a liftetime and another world away, and yet instill the comfort of a warm blanket. It had only been a week since my last visit, and the fog of uncertainty was becoming more translucent through a week's worth of in-depth questions and mirror to grave thinking
(mirror to grave: the time it takes for a person to go from the immediate moment to death), self reflection, and the ever needed process of self realization and goal building.
When I was in third grade, I remember sitting in art class with a teacher who was unusually forthcoming with a problem of hers. She had been extremely depressed for the longest time and had begun seeing a therapist. The problem was diagnosed to be that my teacher had reached all of the goals she had set for herself, and was now stuck in the proverbial rut, with nothing to work for, no motivation. Perhaps I know that rut all too well. But I do find it amusing to see how the things from our past become more prevalent while looking in the mirror.
So, being more clear of the things that I want out of life, and trying to forget the perilous ways of the shortsighted, I arrived in Columbus, eager to move forward- to test the water of an ocean to see if it was to my liking, and also me to it (these things are a two way street).
I felt awkward at first, tongue tied, so I began my weekend with two shots of Jameson's and two Tanq n' Tonics. I know that drinking is never the answer, but that sometimes it is also not a bad idea for anyone who is wound as tight as I (finding it nearly impossible to express personal thoughts/feelings in a face-to-face situation). Discussions, the back and forth, questions upon questions, relaxing together, holding each other- it was really a wonderful experience, and trying to overcome the self depricating/loathing/I don't deserve anything good mentality is going to be difficult, but the help available eases my worry and lightens my soul.
Kelly is wonderful, and she thrives in her environment despite previous qualms with other cities- Columbus fits her. I aspire to have the same, to be completely comfortable in my skin in a town, to feel at ease and have things to do; to have things that excite my creative nature and allow me to grow. With her help (perhaps forcibly) I am discovering the reasons of my dissatisfaction and with this knowledge it will be/is possible to change my condition. I look forward to happier days, happier nights, and a healthier me.
And today, there's no gas. more to come..
(mirror to grave: the time it takes for a person to go from the immediate moment to death), self reflection, and the ever needed process of self realization and goal building.
When I was in third grade, I remember sitting in art class with a teacher who was unusually forthcoming with a problem of hers. She had been extremely depressed for the longest time and had begun seeing a therapist. The problem was diagnosed to be that my teacher had reached all of the goals she had set for herself, and was now stuck in the proverbial rut, with nothing to work for, no motivation. Perhaps I know that rut all too well. But I do find it amusing to see how the things from our past become more prevalent while looking in the mirror.
So, being more clear of the things that I want out of life, and trying to forget the perilous ways of the shortsighted, I arrived in Columbus, eager to move forward- to test the water of an ocean to see if it was to my liking, and also me to it (these things are a two way street).
I felt awkward at first, tongue tied, so I began my weekend with two shots of Jameson's and two Tanq n' Tonics. I know that drinking is never the answer, but that sometimes it is also not a bad idea for anyone who is wound as tight as I (finding it nearly impossible to express personal thoughts/feelings in a face-to-face situation). Discussions, the back and forth, questions upon questions, relaxing together, holding each other- it was really a wonderful experience, and trying to overcome the self depricating/loathing/I don't deserve anything good mentality is going to be difficult, but the help available eases my worry and lightens my soul.
Kelly is wonderful, and she thrives in her environment despite previous qualms with other cities- Columbus fits her. I aspire to have the same, to be completely comfortable in my skin in a town, to feel at ease and have things to do; to have things that excite my creative nature and allow me to grow. With her help (perhaps forcibly) I am discovering the reasons of my dissatisfaction and with this knowledge it will be/is possible to change my condition. I look forward to happier days, happier nights, and a healthier me.
And today, there's no gas. more to come..
22 April 2009
Scribbles and sounds
I haven't written very frequently lately, either because I lack motivation or inspiration.. I can do always do random, but that tends to read like phoenician or egyptian; it might as well by hyroglyphs or crows feet (sumarian?) I like to write and be elegant and fluid, for thoughts and words to flow the way nature does- though you may be surprised by the transitions nature can present, it is altogether logical, smooth, precise, and ultimately grand and seemless.
I am fond of grand ideas, but I leave those to men of grand action- those who posess the fortitude to see them through. I am more fond of correlations and symmetry and the peculiar (i.e. I read today that Einstein's brain size was actually smaller than average- though his parietal lobes were 15% wider possesed a rare pattern of ridges and grooves; also he had a knob in his motor cortex most often associated with musical aptitude).
So... the world is on fire, consumed by a fever, it has been set ablaze. To sit and watch it burn provides no satisfaction. Everyone works and quarrels to uncover the one(s) to have set the spark, or doused us in accelerant. But no one runs for water. There are no buckets at the ready, and the brigade squabbles over promotions in front of the Supreme Court. Crazy how in but a few years everything changes- though we seem to be consumed by ourselves all the same, its amazing that with so many people being so confident that they predicted the current crises, no one manged to complete a plan of action for when it hit.
I am fond of grand ideas, but I leave those to men of grand action- those who posess the fortitude to see them through. I am more fond of correlations and symmetry and the peculiar (i.e. I read today that Einstein's brain size was actually smaller than average- though his parietal lobes were 15% wider possesed a rare pattern of ridges and grooves; also he had a knob in his motor cortex most often associated with musical aptitude).
So... the world is on fire, consumed by a fever, it has been set ablaze. To sit and watch it burn provides no satisfaction. Everyone works and quarrels to uncover the one(s) to have set the spark, or doused us in accelerant. But no one runs for water. There are no buckets at the ready, and the brigade squabbles over promotions in front of the Supreme Court. Crazy how in but a few years everything changes- though we seem to be consumed by ourselves all the same, its amazing that with so many people being so confident that they predicted the current crises, no one manged to complete a plan of action for when it hit.
21 April 2009
Trend Analysis and the common bonds
Frequently when faced with a blank mind and a busy world-when days stroll into each other- I like to apply the fine technique of trend analysis to random things, seeking out patterns and meaning (it is everywhere); and now you know my secret shame.
I receive a word of the day, every day, and these are often full of hidden trends, though it would seem they are not meant to be, as they should be randomly chosen.
So here is a short list of previous words of the day- in order, beginning with April 1, 2009 (as a trend analysis i have inserted a link between the words/meaning (I did not attempt to include verb tense; please edit as needed).
jape: a trick or practical joke.
(causing one)
gambol: to dance and skip about in play.
(:as the writer's)
longueur: a tedious passage in a work of literature or performance art.
(meant)
flummox: to confuse; to perplex.
(by using)
grandiloquent: expressed in a lofty style; pompous; bombastic.
(serving as)
aegis: a shield; protection.
(of/from his)
nescience: lack of knowledge or awareness.
(though, perhaps, it was)
chimerical: merely imaginary; fanciful.
(for him to)
impugn: to call in question; to make insinuations against.
frisson: a brief moment of intense excitement.
portend: to foreshadow; to bode.
pulchritude: beauty.
(=)
susurrus: a whispering or rustling sound.
(like the wind:)
labile: open to change; apt or likely to change.
(;)
outré: unconventional; eccentric; bizarre.
(a thought that)
etiolate: to blanch or bleach; to make sickly.
(which was)
ephemeral: lasting a very short time.
(but a peak into)
quiddity: the essence or nature of a thing.
(but altogether)
crepuscular: pertaining to twilight.
(and a)
stormy petrel: one who brings discord or strife, or appears at the onset of trouble
(with his)
Pecadillo: a slight offense; a petty fault
I receive a word of the day, every day, and these are often full of hidden trends, though it would seem they are not meant to be, as they should be randomly chosen.
So here is a short list of previous words of the day- in order, beginning with April 1, 2009 (as a trend analysis i have inserted a link between the words/meaning (I did not attempt to include verb tense; please edit as needed).
jape: a trick or practical joke.
(causing one)
gambol: to dance and skip about in play.
(:as the writer's)
longueur: a tedious passage in a work of literature or performance art.
(meant)
flummox: to confuse; to perplex.
(by using)
grandiloquent: expressed in a lofty style; pompous; bombastic.
(serving as)
aegis: a shield; protection.
(of/from his)
nescience: lack of knowledge or awareness.
(though, perhaps, it was)
chimerical: merely imaginary; fanciful.
(for him to)
impugn: to call in question; to make insinuations against.
frisson: a brief moment of intense excitement.
portend: to foreshadow; to bode.
pulchritude: beauty.
(=)
susurrus: a whispering or rustling sound.
(like the wind:)
labile: open to change; apt or likely to change.
(;)
outré: unconventional; eccentric; bizarre.
(a thought that)
etiolate: to blanch or bleach; to make sickly.
(which was)
ephemeral: lasting a very short time.
(but a peak into)
quiddity: the essence or nature of a thing.
(but altogether)
crepuscular: pertaining to twilight.
(and a)
stormy petrel: one who brings discord or strife, or appears at the onset of trouble
(with his)
Pecadillo: a slight offense; a petty fault
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