Puddles and Oceans

I woke up today, and after shaking off the cobwebs, I found myself to be in a particularly spiritual mood. Like most days, I tend to find more trouble and friction in the pursuit, and this leads to uneasiness and frustration. Today, it seems, I am so full of words and thoughts that a proper order should not make itself clear, and the resultant clutter would make itself seem an ocean from a puddle (A good place to start, I think). And so are the words of God, Christ, and the Apostles. The Bible is an ocean from a puddle. By this I mean not to say that the book itself is inconsequential, not that too much has been made of this book, or any other connotation being negative, but rather that from something small comes something larger; from a word:meaning; from a book of His words:endless meaning. It is like the parable of the mustard seed: It is like a grain of mustard seed, which a man took, and cast into his garden; and it grew, and waxed a great tree; and the fowls of the air lodged in the branches of it.- Luke 13:18-19"
So that in any word there is multiple meanings, and in any passage there is a power of meanings. This is why it is said: "11The words of the wise are like goads, their collected sayings like firmly embedded nails—given by one Shepherd. 12Be warned, my son, of anything in addition to them.Of making many books there is no end, and much study wearies the body. -Ecclesiastes 12:11-12"
I shall end with this final train of thought: From the word of God came creation in its entirety: from the smallest to the largest, from the seen to the unseen. The world we see is large froom where we look, and small in comparison to the depth of the universe, and still we do not see the completeness of His word, of His work, and yet, we are swimming in it.

Creation of Man

O.k., today I will keep my post short. I have recently, and inexplicably, been thinking about the sistine chapel's frescos- most notably the "creation of man" panel. After studying it lightly I have come to two conclusions: 1) Adam has his eyes fixed on God and his face along with his upper body, show a concerted effort to look to God, but his arm is limp; half-heartedly reaching for God. Also his body is in a position that not only leans slightly away, but gives the impression of turning away. 2) God is not only reaching for Adam, but is stretching and leaning towards Adam. I find this relationship to hold true today, or perhaps I see this relationship because it exists today.

On a side note, and not to be downer, all sins can be forgiven- except one.

what it is.

Some people read horoscopes to help guide them through their lives, I do occasionally do this, but I prefer the word of the day- it has always seemed more appropriate to me. It is often an accurate description of me on that day or a feeling, attitude, or personal trait that seems prevalent at the moment. I had, at one point, showed how a story can be derived from connecting one day's word to the next, but, being honest and not remembering the story, it was probably an accurate description of me that month.

According to my monthly horoscope, I have nothing but good things ahead of me this month. I am a virgo, in case you were wondering. Most all descriptions I have seen of Virgos seem to be accurate. I really have nothing to say today, but I tried. It seems I'm really just waiting for something good to happen- I'm not really patient. I wait because I'm not really sure what it is that I want at this moment, I have set out goals to work towards and the things that I want in the future, but as for the moment, things seem uncomfortable- a notion I am very familiar with- and I just toss and turn looking for that "spot."

I always feel different; out of touch and awkward in any situation- like I don't really belong anywhere. That is probably the hardest thing to deal with. I can adjust to any situation to alleviate the discomfort I may cause others, and try to not to disturb the balance or apply a negative vibe. anyway... it is what it is and the line between wish and want- that from dusk to dawn, is wide and black, and then gray at the edges.

Random Learning

I was riding in a car on Centerline road drifting across thoughts as the car whirred by the knee-high corn (we are coming up on 4 july), I suddenly remembered a small snippet of a dust cover review of Dostoevsky's "The Idiot." The review spoke of how the writer takes you on a remarkable journey following a "holy fool" and how he impacts the people he comes in contact with. i quickly thought about the way that I write- often dealing more with ideologies and the foundations of this world, rather than with the interactions that occur within. i would be the first to say that this world is full of traps, yet isn't one of itself (though, perhaps it is the most elaborately cultivated trap of all). However, I would say that it is a cage- the bars of which are ever unseen by the masses. With this realization about my writing it should be easier to move forward, not forgetting that human interaction is the basis of each persons day whether it be abundant, or lacking; and that each of us affects those we come in contact with, and they us.

Oh the random processes of the mind: learning in motion

This weekend is Comfest here in Columbus. A brief note on last night's festivities. It was crazy ridiculous. My phone didn't really work except to show me text messages and inform that I had voicemails. I couldn't call my voicemail to retrieve the messages- but I was able to do that today. Kelly, in 4 consecutive messages, displayed a progression of emotion from one to the next (thus verifying my rule #3: Never separate in a crowd. EVER.
We will be going back for day 2 today and I'm sure to post more on the festivities tomorrow (if I'm functional)

before the deluge

I had a thought last night, as I often do, before going to sleep. Now let us see if we can't summon up the line of logic and thought processes of that. I did have another night of crazy dreams though.
I believe it started with the notion of understanding a person based on the experiences of their life- environmental conditioning. To accept, or understand, the way a person is does not, necessarily, require one to know the "why" behind the way they act, but rather to merely to understand the way they operate based upon the ever growing decisions and actions that you see them make. Furthermore, the understanding of past events is not required to help a person change. So I said to myself, "The why of a person is negligible. All you need is current facts and a view of what is to be changed- however this requires a keen objective eye."
And so goes the world, as people do. It isn't required to know how the world came to be in the position it finds itself now, we merely need to understand the way it is, and the way we should want it. Then we are capable of plotting a course based on the current position to the desired location.
It was nice to have a clear train of thought that actually seems relevant.

Things can be fuzzy

In the time since the relocation I have been keeping busy despite not having found a job. To be quite truthful, it has been kind of a blur, reminding me of why people seem to think life is so short.

Last weekend TJaye and I traveled to West Virginia. It was the overdue retirement party for his grandfather (overdue in that nobody should work until they are eighty). It was held at the local American Legion, of which a membership is now on the "must do" list. After the legion, and legions of drinks on our side, we managed to find a bar catering to the karaoke crowd- who had the unfortunate displeasure of having to hear me shred "Africa" by Toto. unfortunate doesn't quite cover it. We had been out with TJaye's aunt, who herself can be considered a party. She has a cabin on a ridge complete with alcohol and hottub. The next day we went to visit an old friend of TJayes near Stubenville (I believe I have met people from this place). Joel was an interesting specimen who seems to have his "joi de vie (spelling?)" dialed up all the time. All in all the trip was enjoyable, enlightening, and relaxing, but Sunday was time to return to Columbus for Volleyball and beer.

Yesterday was a pool party hosted by Pinky at her grandfather's house. It was a good time, until the part I wish to not disclose. It wasn't pretty. It never is. and it is a reminder of what to not do- if you can remember how it occured in the first place. So today will be applying for more jobs (I've applied for 2 already today) but these next applications require me to leave the house.

I did have some crazy dreams last night- my car was totaled sitting by the curb- there were codes embedded in colored strings that when arranged in a particular way allowed for some sort of time/space travel. along those same lines were some batteries (appearance) that were made of thin metallic plates, again each with some sort of code, and when arranged in a certain manner created a method for flight, the object would spin slowly and hover, the only trick was to be able to produce it on a larger scale.

Closer to Asia?

They made me wait all day for a 5 minute interview. Granted, there were donuts and pizza- and the starbucks people are amazing (a pound of coffee and 4 refills)! Now I feel restless. I just returned from a drive around the city I won't miss, listening to Doves as the city slipped into the rain. There wasn't anyone there to share, at least, no one to be seen. It would have been nice to go out as I've become accustomed to doing and nicer still to not battle myself a little, but the worries of this mind dwindle even now, like the last of the seeds released from a fluffy white dandelion to form a mock snow.

So I handed in my badge shortly after saying goodbyes, and then thought about searching for future employ, but decided that packing provided a much needed joy to match the rays of the sun shining into my 99 degree room. I am divided in two, as always I am, and wonder upon the control/fate/power issues I have and with the decidedly negative view in which I hold them. It appears, almost, that I have relinquished my ability to view a course in navigation and foresee the next point- perhaps lost in the Mariana trench, though why I would be so close to Asia I have no idea... It could have been quicker to dig there.

It's a zoo in here

freedom: The capacity to exercise choice; free will:

I currently have a plethora of ideas and emotions to which I am being subjected, and have found their presence to be mostly a nuissance, like a crowded zoo- all I want to do is enjoy the sights, but the crowd ruins the moment. I can't seem to identify any real thoughts, just random fragments, and to me that is the most confusing of all- the crowd has no common flow or direction, but swirls around and mixes. I don't really know what to say, or what to talk about, as there are many foreign objects floating about, wasted mindspace I suppose. So I will not regail you with the story of a man who reaches beyond the current bounds of human knowledge to see clearly two worlds, or the man who travels a vortex of light, I cannot write on the state of my emotional well-being, or come up with witty retorts, or functionally fun, off-beat advertisements for common things.

I will say this in regards to the definition above: is it not obvious, that the limitations of a man's ability to choose is also a limitation of his freedom?

Then I pose this question: Imagine the world in perfection- what do you see? How does it function? and then can you see the flaws you have created?

Funny, how I keep writing with nothing more to say- I imagine it is more like the man passed out on driftwood who manages to float to shore.
I go through phases with my writing. Not in style, sometimes in content. The phases are not how I approach my writing, but altogether how I view the meaning or futility of my words. What can a man say that has not been said already? What does reitterating a point achieve if it has not been absorbed after the first hundred tries? So occassionaly, when I reach the point where my work is seen as absolute futility, I burn it, or throw it away until I reach that point when I become so consumed by an idea that I must write for fear of being consumed by my own ideas. I can beat back the urge to write for some time - I have been trained to handle mental anguish like the SEALs have been trained to handle physical pain- but everybody breaks at some point, all we can do is grab hold of the driftwood and hope.

Ideas of mind/ a soft appearance

I was driving around today. It is one of my favorite ways to think. And I drifted into some excerpts from "The Republic" by Cicero. I thought of how quickly I became disinterested with the read- this was two-fold: the names (always horrible to pronoune); and the ideas. I am an immense fan of reading theoretical, philosophical, or historical works- I am not too fond of fiction as it is either for entertainment (I find television to be adequate), or to deliver some sort of message which requires derivation- yes the puzzle would entertain me until the moment I discovered it and realized that it is nothing new, just brought about in a different way (again, this returns to the post on decadence and the stagnant society). But the reason I became so disinterested with Cicero, and the feeling seemed to spread as ivy, is that I did not come across an idea I have not heard, read, or had myself. And as I thought of the things I have read- they not being many- I came to the conclusion that the only real purpose any of them served was to give definite verbage to the ideas I've had all along (I'm pretty sure Emerson wrote something about this, but I do not emote as he suggested). So I think, and tend to always overthink things. But that is what I do with the understanding of the "pie" philosophy (all things being considered a pie, and each given his slice- slice being perspective), I try to view as much of the pie as possible before arriving at a decision.

So you can't make everyone happy with the decisions you make. Moreover (and I know it has been said), if you are making everyone happy, then the decision you make cannot possibly be correct. So how does someone live after accepting their mortality? Should they live differently than before? or continue along being mostly the same? The question of mortality is almost fun for me (morbid, I know). I contemplate my mortality (with fear of its absence) daily. I often envision being t-boned as I drive through an intersection, but am more convinced that I will be diagnosed with lymphoma in its late stages (of course, I would keep that secret to myself, as I am not one who enjoys the light of pity).

So I heard someone say they hope that the President can change the country and make our lives better (oh, the things people say can often trigger me into thought). When did we become so dependant on others for our happiness? Why must we wait for the government to change our condition? Have we truly lost all power to better our own situation? I fear that we have become so complacent, so fearful of making decisions for ourselves that we would gladly give up our power, our rights, to another. I suppose, though, that we are all sheep looking for a shepherd. But enough politics.

It is only 7-9 days until I move. word. I began to move some personal effects into my new abode this past weekend. I am truly excited. Kelly, I'm sorry I didn't hang around Monday night. I hope you understand (narcissists unite!). All in all it was a comfortable weekend. I was able to play some poker, some volleyball, and sit in the dark (literally, not metaphorically). The power was out upon my arrival at the house. I was able to get a key made, catch up on some news, buy a car charger for my now broken phone (sweet), bowl, catch a movie, and make a note.

I have often been fond of making a soft appearance, that is to say that I like to arrive without warning, and appear as if out of thin air (it adds to my mystique..ha). But the soft appearance plants a seed in the subconscious of people to whom I perform such magical feats. It serves as a sign that I am always there (certainly, saying it may work, but for some reason always seems to be only words to some), that you may never know when I'll arrive, but that it could be at any moment. I like that notion. I like believing that other people know that.

looking up.

**This was written nearly a week ago and shelved, but after a mild debate, I have decided to post it.

It has been a few days since I've really had anything to say, and though I sit here with a mind full of ideas, fears, hopes, I still find it difficult to express this bundle of emotion. I wish for things to be simple- for black and white to be the rule- but it isn't that way at all. I did think yesterday that one can manipulate the rule of law by simply controlling the evolution of a language, but in retrospect this would take a rather large group of people a rather long time. The limits of words are defined only by their use, which is ever-evolving, and the determination of which defination to be used is almost always contrived from the context and tone in which it is spoken- since, written word can only address one of these (though story-telling can address both) and therein lies the problem.

I have frequently thought of myself as an outsider. I can say with modest shame that I have never really felt as though I belonged anywhere my feet stood, nor in the company of others I've called friends. I merely arrive at some level of comfort with the places and people, so that the discomfort of not belonging only tinges like white-noise (though, for me, that is as bad as nails on a chalkboard, or the high pitched hum from a t.v.). I have learned to live in discomfort, learned to live with the aching misery that has accompanied me since the last time I was happy (I cannot clearly remember that time). So, when the shimmer of a long forgotten feeling catches the eye of the wearied traveler, quickly he becomes filled with hope and forgets his misery. But, lucky for him, there are people around to remind him of the tinged satchel slung over his shoulder- but for comfort he does not lay it down, if only because he hasn't reached the spot of shimmering hope. Perhaps he thinks that shimmer is just the leprechaun's pot of gold to disappear at the last moment, or he is just used to the satchel on his back , maybe he has become dependant on it. (yikes!) Either way, the hope that lingers in my eye is mine to spark into a fire or douse with water. Thank you, my friends, for your warm concern for my future, but the language you speak is farsi to me, and I won't concern myself with learning that language.

Amazing how those who say things happen for a reason are always the quickest to tell you you're making a mistake, when all you're really doing is putting your trust in a higher power.

Space and Tomorrow

I was going to write about the decline of the space program- this being the day the final shuttle mission was launched to repair the Hubble Space Telescope- but I shall instead go off script. No stories of how I won a third-grade essay contest on the future of space flight, no gleaming memories from my trip to Cape Canaveral, no lengthy speeches on the accomplishment of putting a man on the moon (which, unfortunately, means no Andy Kauffman references).

So this weekend was mother's day, a horrible day to break such news, and even more horrible when you know you have to hold it in, when all you want to do is let it loose. I am not a fan of creating chaos for others, but deal well with it myself. I attribute this to my ability to uptake multiple sources of information at the same time, process, and conclude in a fashion that does three things: makes sense in the scheme of things; makes some sort of progress; and maintains flow (I call this flow functionality).

As you may already know, I am moving! Yay! But until today my parents had yet to know that I was moving, or that it was occuring on such a short schedule, and without a job. Does any good conversation ever begin with, "I need to talk to you about something?" I suppose it depends, like all things, on perspective. It was like watching a pond frost over- when the shock set in- and I could sense some pain. All they could really muster was,"well, I guess you know what you're doing."

I don't know. For me, that is the most difficult thing imaginable. I am of the kind that needs facts, statistics, as much information as possible before I make a decision. It is here that I have cast aside the weight of thought and stand clutching that of hope. I will tell you it is somehow lighter. Either because I believe things will be better, or simply because I have someone who is there for me- she also believes things will be better for me (Thanks Belle!)

I didn't stay for long, as it was getting late and the season finale of House was on (I'm getting ready to watch the recorded version now). So, I suppose, as when we first watched the space shuttles cause the earth to tremble below plooms of white smoke, and arc up over the Atlantic Ocean heading into the unknown; when we were filled with the excitement of all possibility, so too do I sit here, typing to you about the same wonder and excitement that seems to have faded in our waxing years, but is now being replenished as a storied fleet is retired.

The Great Escape

With all the concern over the year 2012 approaching (thank you Mayans), and the ever growing social and political problems that have risen to the surface in recent years, I have decided that today I will attempt to reflect and prognosticate a bit.

Social Evolution-1. the gradual development of society and social forms, institutions, etc., usually through a series of peaceful stages.

Decadence-1. the act or process of falling into an inferior condition or state; deterioration; decay. 2. moral degeneration or decay; turpitude.
3. unrestrained or excessive self-indulgence.

Revolution-1. an overthrow or repudiation and the thorough replacement of an established government or political system by the people governed.
2. Sociology. a radical and pervasive change in society and the social structure, esp. one made suddenly and often accompanied by violence.

I love to begin with definitions. They always provide a clearer understanding of where to begin. So, to begin by assigning proper order to the definitions though, really, it is a matter of opinion (a chicken or egg proposition).

Social evolution occurs just as biological evolution, though on a more rapid basis. It is the idea and implementation of progress in a society. As ideas change, as the knowledge of a society changes, as its morals change, so too does a society. As stated in the definition, these changes are often peaceful, but there is the occassional violent upheaval- a coup. Not mentioned often enough is the role that art plays in such evolution. Art is always a good indicator of the status of a society. It seems that even before the society changes, the art movement has changed.

But today we are in a state of decadence, of decay, of idleness. Often can be heard someone asking, "where do we go from here?" It is easy enough to say that we have accomplished about all that can be done in the way of technology, all we seem to do now is to make it faster and more available to the masses, which in turn increases knowledge and idleness. It is argued that our sense of entitlement and self-indulgance is what lead us to this current economic crisis to begin with (just a sign of a decadent society). Sure, there are new art movements, new music trends, but if you look at them (listen to them), if you study them you can only come to the conclusion that they are only mixtures of past ideas and movements- What goes around comes back around again. We are recycling old ideas because we have found none that work effectively enough for us. And so we wait for the next step in social evolution.

Unfortunately, we have reached a rung (seemingly) in this round of social evolution in which the path we have chosen seems to have reached its limit. It is the farthest we can travel for the road we're on. The only way to fix it, to allow a society to continue on is revolution. I am NOT promoting violence, that is not my aim. My aim is, however, to point out where things are, in my view, heading- its like watching a horse run towards a cliff. It will come swiftly, and have the force of a volcanic eruption, because while we have been idle in decadence, the pressure has been mounting. One day a man/woman will wake up and say to himself, "this is ridiculous. I need to do something." and then it will begin. It will spread like a tsunami, and burn like the wildfires of California. Perhaps it has already begun.

Well, I have not met my expectations with this piece, but the thought process is more fluid than before, and more to my liking. But if it reads like diahrrea of the mouth, I apologize.

joys and burdens of being lit

Bonus post (because I need to clean my mirror)!

So in the calm moments before going to sleep I often catch phrases like people count sheep. The sun in all its glory, and the moon were my thought about a week ago. The habit of writing these down is as the whim of the wind (though I believe the wind has no whim, but arrives precisely where it should, when it should), though I suppose this makes my habit no habit at all.

Surely the joy of the sun is in the knowledge that it always shines-
always seeks to provide though it may be hindered by the clouds-
what burden it must be also, to always be on-
to be at risk of being taken for granted, but how much more the moon!
To always be on and less dim, less likely to be noticed, and when sky is
shared: noticed even less.
But the secret is this: to know that its light is the sun's-
standing only as a reflection- a rock in orbit cascading light-
for which it can only be grateful.

Coincidence seems to be the theme of the day. They are my favorite days

Solve et Coagula

The title phrase is latin and means: Separate, and Put together and is associated with Alchemy, which is the art of transformation.
It is both a philosophy and a practice with an aim of achieving ultimate wisdom as well as immortality, involving the improvement of the alchemist as well as the making of several substances described as possessing unusual properties.

This is what I read about at work today. I don't know why it popped into my head. Again I had been meditating on the relavent aspects of thermodynamics/fluid dynamics and life.

The most well known goal of alchemists was the transmutation of common metals into gold or silver; the creation of a "panacea", or the elixir of life, a remedy that supposedly would cure all diseases and prolong life indefinitely; and the discovery of a universal solvent.
I became particularly interested when glancing at the notes for the Magnum Opus (mystic interpretation of its three stages)
those being:

nigredo, blackening: individuation, purification,burnout of impurity

this being the section of the process designed to create awareness of shortcomings. the things we need to work on. It is here that we begin to understand that which hinders our personal growth and the achievement of enlightment (self-knowledge and outer-knowledge)
albedo, whitening: spiritualisation, enlightenment
the section where the increase in knowledge and self awareness are fulfilled, without the hinderance of impurity.
rubedo, reddening: unification of man with god, unification of the limited with the unlimited.
once we are enlightened and can see all things clearly, we can see what was once limited can now be considered limitless... the possibilites of the body, mind, and soul, reach farther can a man can imagine, as his imagination is limited by his mind, frought with impurity and the perceived limitations of the world we see. Sometimes I wonder what the sparkles are, and then just give up the mental exercise to enjoy their dance. I often see them as dancing the way an atom may, but really their movement is fluid and awkward- and maintains a certain connectivity- lacking randomness (sort of like watching a balloon over a fan turned upwards).

I should apologize for the fragmentedness of the post, but I think it best to leave it as-is. I am having difficulty with correlations lately, perhaps as a punishment for trying to force it rather than letting the natural flow of though occur.

Look forward to the next post, which should be a bit more eloquent, involving the social evolution of decadence and revolution (and of course their association to an individual life.

A bridge to happiness.

I have thought about this post for nearly three days, and always come up empty in relating the ideas of thermodynamics and life. So I looked to Fluid dynamics only to find the same thing. So they must be saved for another day.

Today, I shall keep to being a minimalist- something I desperately need work on. I have a tendency to overcomplicate issues, followed by the overwhelming feeling of not having a vocabulary deep enough, or wide enough, to complement the sentiments needing to be conveyed. So I wish to keep it simple, to build the bridge one step a time across the river of my lacking.

I spent most of the day in an anxious fervor. I was excited that I had a variety of work items to keep me just busy enough to not feel stressed, and to not notice the time pass. So when the maintenance man came to repair the ballasts of the light fixture above my cubicle, it was already time to kindly give notice of my impending departure.

I was surprised to hear a slight chord of envy as I relinquished the words I had stored in my chest all day, "I will be leaving at the end of the month." I have chosen May 27 for no other reason than to say it appeared as the proper day as I glared at my calendar. It allows me enough time to train others on my secondary responsibilities, or allows others the time to find replacements for my duties. I took the Tuesday before as a vacation day, and that Monday is memorial day.

I am excited to have impending change in my life, and it comes in at just under 3 years- funny how the phases of my life seem to work according to this schedule; my only hope is that I am not a slave to it.

Last night was the beginning of organizing my assorted collection of things I'm unattached to. I am not attached to many of my posessions- I'm happy to have never placed happiness into the bucket containing material posession. Don't get me wrong, I do enjoy having nice things (though I have none), but I much prefer to think and learn- perhaps now I may be equipped enough to do.

Go out into the world, do good, and be happy. yes, that would be nice.

The O's pt 3 (epiphany)

What good is a thought or realization that does not spur one to action? None (that's right). Personal growth occurs without thought and without effort on a daily basis, but in this manner it is very slow. The epiphany that causes action, however, can cause the most dramatic changes in a person. This is where I am at. I currently reside in the transition from epiphany to action. Here lies reflection. I have reflected upon myself: where I have been, what I have done, why I have done it, what was good, what was bad, and where and how do I want to be (what should my future hold). Is it painful... no, but should the lessons there be forgotten it could be.
I want to be happy. I want to chase it like the bubbles I blew when I was a child. It has been so long since I have meditated on being happy, but have devoted my choices to the things people thought were best for me. Now, at nearly thirty, I have decided to merely take the suggestions and weigh them against the idea of happiness. I went to a college not of my choice, and because that is what people do-I was miserable; I joined the miliatary because I saw how happy it would make those around me-I was miserable; I took the first job I could get- I was a bit happier because I enjoyed spending time with the people I worked with (friends) and we didn't worry about life, but rather being happy; I took another job for more money- I was miserable; I took another job for more money and to be closer to home- some of the misery lifted, but still I was mostly unfulfilled; And now I am here- happier than I have been in the longest time, and I can only see it getting better.
For this happiness, I owe a single person: Kelly. Thank you, thank you, merci, thank you, Kelly!
She has helped me to understand a process, a basic idea, and now I believe that I actually believe that I deserve something better. Working for a goal has never been a problem, it has been the goal (or lack thereof). I have felt more true emotion in the past two weeks... I am truly amazed! Joy, contentment, anger, frustration, sadness, love, jealousy... all those wonderful little intangibles that make life worth living. Thank you, Kelly.
So, I have been invited to move to the O's, a place where I can see myself being happy, surrounding myself with people who's company I enjoy- who make me happy and help me to think of the things I want. I know that the task is difficult in the current climate of the world, but I am astounded at even my own blindness to the difficulty of the task. True, there may be a wall, but I don't see it. Which leaves two outcomes, either I collide with the wall only to realize its existence, or crash through it, only to look back at what I have done... I am confident in my ability to overcome- I find myself to be a tremendous and honest judge of my capabilites, and this I can do.
Kelly, I will not surrender to life as before and succomb to its bitterness, but seize it with a firm grip and smile, for this is how happiness is attained and maintained, and I have you to thank.

The O's pt 2 (a dying breed)

What secret so bold could cause a thing no more-
a smile adored, or a breeze against a door left
slightly ajar in spring to breathe in the cherry-
blossom sea dotted with tulips?

Believe it or not, but constantly and without hesitation, as each moment passes- as we grow- so too do we die some. The idea of opposing forces, light and dark, yin and yang, do not merely oppose, and do not require a struggle, but are also meant as compliments to each other... like orange and blue, oddly correct when put together. It also goes to say that you cannot have one without the other, or better, that one cannot truly be appreciated without the other- the product is scope and magnitude.

Saturday, I drove Kelly to work, and returned to the house. I cleaned, at a bit of food, watched a movie (not having seen Quantum of Solace, it was a must)- I tried anything to pass the time, but slowly it passed, and certainly not because of my willing it forward. It was a beautiful day, so I laid out to pass some more time and soak up some vitamin D- funny how such days seem less enjoyable when it isn't being shared.

I picked Kelly up and, to be perfectly honest, I cannot remember what we did. I can remember, with vivid detail, the events of my solitude but, for our time together, the images are bits and pieces, but the feelings, rampant and enduring even to this day, are what I remember. I do remember how beautiful she was, and how even she was having difficulty in deciding a path- I suggested the cause of such deliberation can be attributed to Saturn return (or so I've heard). I remember that we grew some- and certainly I have further to go- and we talked. When we talk, we skirt the issue while attacking it directly, because, I think, we both want to know so many things at once, that the only way to understand or to evolve a question is through vagueness and metaphor- we do this well together, so much so that I sometimes deem words to be unnecessary, nods of the head, smiles, and glances may be all we need.

A dying breed is dying long before notice is taken, and perhaps, if that breed is lucky, it will find help in transitioning to the next life. As a clock unwinds and the hands slow, the spring loosens and the tension melts until it stops and ceases to be dependant on the time it kept (I wish I knew what this last part was, or how it ends)

Her decisions are difficult and I do not envy the choice she must make, but I am grateful for the days we spend entwined (physically and emotionally). I felt my chest hurt this weekend, and now too, as I think about the distance that I'm trying to solve. I have also discovered that having goals can rouse my anger when confronted with a barrier, it has also awakened my determination- a trait I am fond of and have missed for sometime- I hope it serves me well, for I know that these are volitile traits that can turn against a man and be his undoing. I have help, and she may be my grace.

The O's pt 1 (the foreword)

It is amazing how 3 hours can make a place feel a liftetime and another world away, and yet instill the comfort of a warm blanket. It had only been a week since my last visit, and the fog of uncertainty was becoming more translucent through a week's worth of in-depth questions and mirror to grave thinking
(mirror to grave: the time it takes for a person to go from the immediate moment to death), self reflection, and the ever needed process of self realization and goal building.
When I was in third grade, I remember sitting in art class with a teacher who was unusually forthcoming with a problem of hers. She had been extremely depressed for the longest time and had begun seeing a therapist. The problem was diagnosed to be that my teacher had reached all of the goals she had set for herself, and was now stuck in the proverbial rut, with nothing to work for, no motivation. Perhaps I know that rut all too well. But I do find it amusing to see how the things from our past become more prevalent while looking in the mirror.
So, being more clear of the things that I want out of life, and trying to forget the perilous ways of the shortsighted, I arrived in Columbus, eager to move forward- to test the water of an ocean to see if it was to my liking, and also me to it (these things are a two way street).
I felt awkward at first, tongue tied, so I began my weekend with two shots of Jameson's and two Tanq n' Tonics. I know that drinking is never the answer, but that sometimes it is also not a bad idea for anyone who is wound as tight as I (finding it nearly impossible to express personal thoughts/feelings in a face-to-face situation). Discussions, the back and forth, questions upon questions, relaxing together, holding each other- it was really a wonderful experience, and trying to overcome the self depricating/loathing/I don't deserve anything good mentality is going to be difficult, but the help available eases my worry and lightens my soul.
Kelly is wonderful, and she thrives in her environment despite previous qualms with other cities- Columbus fits her. I aspire to have the same, to be completely comfortable in my skin in a town, to feel at ease and have things to do; to have things that excite my creative nature and allow me to grow. With her help (perhaps forcibly) I am discovering the reasons of my dissatisfaction and with this knowledge it will be/is possible to change my condition. I look forward to happier days, happier nights, and a healthier me.

And today, there's no gas. more to come..

Scribbles and sounds

I haven't written very frequently lately, either because I lack motivation or inspiration.. I can do always do random, but that tends to read like phoenician or egyptian; it might as well by hyroglyphs or crows feet (sumarian?) I like to write and be elegant and fluid, for thoughts and words to flow the way nature does- though you may be surprised by the transitions nature can present, it is altogether logical, smooth, precise, and ultimately grand and seemless.
I am fond of grand ideas, but I leave those to men of grand action- those who posess the fortitude to see them through. I am more fond of correlations and symmetry and the peculiar (i.e. I read today that Einstein's brain size was actually smaller than average- though his parietal lobes were 15% wider possesed a rare pattern of ridges and grooves; also he had a knob in his motor cortex most often associated with musical aptitude).
So... the world is on fire, consumed by a fever, it has been set ablaze. To sit and watch it burn provides no satisfaction. Everyone works and quarrels to uncover the one(s) to have set the spark, or doused us in accelerant. But no one runs for water. There are no buckets at the ready, and the brigade squabbles over promotions in front of the Supreme Court. Crazy how in but a few years everything changes- though we seem to be consumed by ourselves all the same, its amazing that with so many people being so confident that they predicted the current crises, no one manged to complete a plan of action for when it hit.

Trend Analysis and the common bonds

Frequently when faced with a blank mind and a busy world-when days stroll into each other- I like to apply the fine technique of trend analysis to random things, seeking out patterns and meaning (it is everywhere); and now you know my secret shame.
I receive a word of the day, every day, and these are often full of hidden trends, though it would seem they are not meant to be, as they should be randomly chosen.
So here is a short list of previous words of the day- in order, beginning with April 1, 2009 (as a trend analysis i have inserted a link between the words/meaning (I did not attempt to include verb tense; please edit as needed).

jape: a trick or practical joke.
(causing one)
gambol: to dance and skip about in play.
(:as the writer's)
longueur: a tedious passage in a work of literature or performance art.
(meant)
flummox: to confuse; to perplex.
(by using)
grandiloquent: expressed in a lofty style; pompous; bombastic.
(serving as)
aegis: a shield; protection.
(of/from his)
nescience: lack of knowledge or awareness.
(though, perhaps, it was)
chimerical: merely imaginary; fanciful.
(for him to)
impugn: to call in question; to make insinuations against.
frisson: a brief moment of intense excitement.
portend: to foreshadow; to bode.
pulchritude: beauty.
(=)
susurrus: a whispering or rustling sound.
(like the wind:)
labile: open to change; apt or likely to change.
(;)
outré: unconventional; eccentric; bizarre.
(a thought that)
etiolate: to blanch or bleach; to make sickly.
(which was)
ephemeral: lasting a very short time.
(but a peak into)
quiddity: the essence or nature of a thing.
(but altogether)
crepuscular: pertaining to twilight.
(and a)
stormy petrel: one who brings discord or strife, or appears at the onset of trouble
(with his)
Pecadillo: a slight offense; a petty fault