a life of my own

Let me tell you a little bit about myself and my life. I am full of contradictions. I make off color comments. I have lived some, believe I have lived more, and know it is never enough. My father was an officer of the law and my mother a church secretary until I was 10, since then she has worked for numerous companies in a variety of capacities- this may be where I inherited my unsettled nature. I am the oldest of two children, though only by age as my sister is far superior in terms of maturity. She is married (recently) and has a child who, for reasons unknown to me, may well think I am the greatest person alive. I moved twice as a child, and then almost on a yearly basis since I left for college. I don't move out of convenience, as moving is hardly convenient, but I do it because I can. I have often contemplated moving to a strange and foreign land, one in which I would have absolutely no business inhabiting. I often feel out of place even in the most comfortable of settings, and think that the most uncomfortable of settings, actually, are the most settling. I have had a few concussions, and for these I am extremely uncomfortable with anyone touching my head. I also blame my odd and nearly paranoid nature on these- I am paranoid, but with good reason: everyone is out to get me. You can never be quite sure when a ninja, or a KGB agent, or the CIA will come around a corner, bag you, and take you to an out of the way place for some "interrogation." I have lived alone, and also with roomates. I must confess that I find more pleasure in living alone, though roomates provide a certain entertainment most cannot get on their own (all conversations that take place within your own head are subject to your thoughts and opinions, and are often driven by a idea you have about the person whose conversation is in your head). I talk to myself, and often worry that the inner monologue has traipsed its' way passed my lips. I look up in a confused stupor and wonder two things: what was I talking about; and did anyone hear it. I am peculiar and odd and nice, in a manner that would east most peoples concerns. I am not the one I want to be and try in a relaxed manner to achieve it- it never happens, and I frequently ask myself the question: How deep does this evil run? I am not evil, I just do evil things sometimes- no not murder, or kidnapping or the like- merely lies and deception, it is a game I am good at. too much? too much.