Moderations

It is apparent, having a sober glimpse at my previous two entries, that there may be a serious malfunction with my edit button while drinking. But what has been said has been said, and regret or remorse can be expressed to any parties that may have taken offense (I am sorry, whether you believe it or not- not for what was said, as no one should ever apologize for such expressions, but rather the manner in which they were expressed and the harm they may have caused.)

I have been told I have a tendency to recoil. This is true. I would love to not be this way, but when you see as I see, and logic the way I logic, this is how it comes about: I may have something to offer, but to those I would like to offer I would appreciate (and nearly demand) a certain level of social protocol be maintained. Violation of such protocols are taken to mean a minimal level of (not respect)caring is absent... how should I confide, or share, with someone who doesn't care? So communication becomes distorted... and since I have nobody to really confide, or share, with/in I must withdraw and either confront the problems alone, or find a space in that very crowded closet of mine- either of which takes a tremendous amount of time, emotional stress, and creates a burden on my soul.

As far as social interractions go... I only need someone to alleviate the demand I place on myself in private, in the solitude of my mind- here in my thought cathedral. It is much akin to the way people go to the movies, seeking distractions from their problems. Having someone to share the time with allows me to remove focus from myself and place it on another- to give attention to them (I do adore this), but... who really needs/wants to have me around in this capacity? Surely if I were not me, and saw this person, I would shun him too.

I understand a person's want/need to feel wanted/needed. And that sometimes people like to be chased... it may be that I'm just that jaded, but I would, and have always, preferred things to be simple. I call you- if I leave a message, you call me back. It is simple things that form foundations- curtains and lamps and coffee tables are always the last things when building a house.

I have always maintained the strictest rules on helping others... it goes like this:
If you ask for something, or something of me, it must meet these criteria:
1. I must be capable
2. It must be reasonable (ambiguous I know, but chances are, if you ask, its probably reasonable).
3. I prefer it to be legal.
If these criteria are satisfied, I really can't say no.
Questions.. I don't like open ended questions... this only stems from my lack of social interaction- I don't understand the question, am unsure of what is considered an adequate response. I don't really have any secrets (other than those two things that shall go unmentioned forevermore), so any question presented to me will be answered- though my nature is to give the simplest answer possible; I know this causes grief to those wishing to know more about me, but continue to ask questions and I shall continue to have answers. The only caveat to this is that if a question makes me uncomfortable, as in it pertains to the two unmentionables, then I may not answer.

I don't know. What I do know is that I'm recoiling, and giving up alcohol- drunk is not a pretty mood on me. I have never been a wordsmith, and when personal things are being expressed it is often a painful cluttered mess (I imagine a wall feels the same way)- confusing- even I'm confused. Must I be a social leper? I can only be me, even if I can't see the lesions.