What good is a thought or realization that does not spur one to action? None (that's right). Personal growth occurs without thought and without effort on a daily basis, but in this manner it is very slow. The epiphany that causes action, however, can cause the most dramatic changes in a person. This is where I am at. I currently reside in the transition from epiphany to action. Here lies reflection. I have reflected upon myself: where I have been, what I have done, why I have done it, what was good, what was bad, and where and how do I want to be (what should my future hold). Is it painful... no, but should the lessons there be forgotten it could be.
I want to be happy. I want to chase it like the bubbles I blew when I was a child. It has been so long since I have meditated on being happy, but have devoted my choices to the things people thought were best for me. Now, at nearly thirty, I have decided to merely take the suggestions and weigh them against the idea of happiness. I went to a college not of my choice, and because that is what people do-I was miserable; I joined the miliatary because I saw how happy it would make those around me-I was miserable; I took the first job I could get- I was a bit happier because I enjoyed spending time with the people I worked with (friends) and we didn't worry about life, but rather being happy; I took another job for more money- I was miserable; I took another job for more money and to be closer to home- some of the misery lifted, but still I was mostly unfulfilled; And now I am here- happier than I have been in the longest time, and I can only see it getting better.
For this happiness, I owe a single person: Kelly. Thank you, thank you, merci, thank you, Kelly!
She has helped me to understand a process, a basic idea, and now I believe that I actually believe that I deserve something better. Working for a goal has never been a problem, it has been the goal (or lack thereof). I have felt more true emotion in the past two weeks... I am truly amazed! Joy, contentment, anger, frustration, sadness, love, jealousy... all those wonderful little intangibles that make life worth living. Thank you, Kelly.
So, I have been invited to move to the O's, a place where I can see myself being happy, surrounding myself with people who's company I enjoy- who make me happy and help me to think of the things I want. I know that the task is difficult in the current climate of the world, but I am astounded at even my own blindness to the difficulty of the task. True, there may be a wall, but I don't see it. Which leaves two outcomes, either I collide with the wall only to realize its existence, or crash through it, only to look back at what I have done... I am confident in my ability to overcome- I find myself to be a tremendous and honest judge of my capabilites, and this I can do.
Kelly, I will not surrender to life as before and succomb to its bitterness, but seize it with a firm grip and smile, for this is how happiness is attained and maintained, and I have you to thank.
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